Next week we will be discussing Colossians 3:20-4:1. Verses 20 and 21 discusses parenting and children. In verse 21, Paul warns parents not to irritate, provoke, or exacerbate their children. In his sermon on this text,
John MacArthur offers the following 10 ways to provoke a child. So avoid these.
1.
Overprotection. I hear the "Amen" corner over here really going at it. A
couple of overprotected people over here. Overprotection. No trust. All
rules. All deprivation. You never ever allow them any liberty. You draw
the lines so narrow and the boxes are so closed that they soon feel
that you do not believe in them. You do not trust in them. No matter
what they do to earn that trust, they never experience that trust.
Consequently, they give up and say, "What's the difference anyway?" Then
you've got that seething rebellion. You can really irritate your
children by overprotecting them. Give them a sense of trust. You don't
have to cover every single detail of every single thing they've ever
done. well, what did you do? What did you do after that? Well, then
where did you go? Well, when you got back from there, where did you go?
Why did you go over there? let them live. You know, when they're born,
they're born with an umbilical cord and they're connected. And from then
on, their whole life, you're just letting it out. And it ought to
sometime be cut and the kid ought to be so far out that he doesn't even
know he's not connected anymore, it's just so natural.
2.
Favoritism. The second way you can really irritate your children is by
favoritism. Make sure you always compare them with the other kids in the
family who do better than they do. Why can't you be Like Albert? He
always does his homework. It's very irritating for a child to be less
than an individual. It's very irritating for the child to be a lemon on
the assembly line. Favoritism. Favoritism means you constantly compare
the child with the other child.
3. Depreciating his worth. A third
way you can irritate your child is by depreciating his worth. One good
way to really depreciate his worth is whenever you have company, have
him eat in the kitchen. That'll really let him know that he just really
isn't worth having around anything important. or else, when he comes in
and has something to say, you say, "Hush up and go back an the den. Go
to your roan." And then you get the autistic kind of child who finally
tries to communicate and gives up and so then he can't communicate at
all and he won't. And then you get that ultimate kind of autistic person
who doesn't say anything anytime, because he never did get listened to
when he tried to. We were talking about this with Howard Hendricks when
we were back at the conference last weekend, you know. And he was
saying, "Look -- if you come to my house for dinner, you've got to get
ready. They're all going to be there, staring you right in the eye. The
whole bunch. When we have Company, the kids are all there, looking right
dawn your throat." Because they're part of our family. They have every
right to be a part. Don't depreciate their worth. Don't tell them to
shut up and go to bed. There are boundaries -- yes.
4.
Discouragement. A fourth way you can irritate your child is by
discouragement. Don It ever -reward him for anything. Make sure that he
never feels like he's succeeded. I know a girl that killed herself for
that reason, because no matter what she did, it was never enough. No
matter what her grades were, it was never enough. No matter how well she
did, it was never enough, let's face it. A parent who feels that way
about a child is trying to get a child to he something the parent never
was. That's not fair. And this girl couldn't handle it, so she killed
herself. That's sad. Discouragement -- no rewards, no honors.
5.
No affection demonstrated. Another good way to irritate your child is
never demonstrate any affection for him. Don't ever go out of your way
to love him or hug him or kiss him or pick him up...squeeze her or be
gentle or thoughtful in a physically affectionate way. Very, very
discouraging. So if you want to discourage your child, don't reward your
child, don't honor your child, and never demonstrate any love or
affection. So the child just begins to feel totally alienated, totally
unacceptable, can't do anything right, isn't worthy of your love, isn't
worthy of your affection -- he gets very, very discouraged.'
6.
Not providing his needs. Another thing - this is kind of practical. You
can irritate your child by not providing his needs. You know what a
child's needs are? Believe it or not, in our society, do you know what a
child needs? A room. Yes, he does. He needs a room, a little privacy.
That would be good. Now, you can overcome that, maybe your economics
don't make it possible for every single child to have his own domain,
but provide some place for him. Your child needs a place to play and if
it can't be at your place, then take him to the park, because he or she
needs a place to play. Another thing is clean clothes. That's a good
thing to provide your children. And when they get a little older,
somewhere to study - you know, I think that one of the reasons that some
children never do well in school is because they don't know where to
land when they some home. They sit down at a table and you say, "What
are you doing in here with that homework?" "Get out of here and go to
your room." And they go to their roan and they get backaches from
sitting five minutes on their bed, because there's no where to sit.
Provide some place for them to study. Another thing is to give them
something that belongs to them -- whatever itis. Another thing is to
feed them good meals. Let them know that you've prepared something
special just for them. These little practical things, where a child
begins to know that you are concerned about him and about her as a
person.
7. Lack of standards. On the other hand, you can irritate a
child by a lack of standards. You know, there are children and young
people, and when I use the word child, I mean anybody who is still in
the home, but you can really irritate your young people by not giving
them any rules. Because then they are totally left on their own and they
can't handle that kind of liberty and they are constantly getting into
problems that they really can't cope with. Cross some lines; make
some fences.
8. Criticism. Another way to irritate your children is
by criticism. A well-known doctor, Dr. (Haim Geno) says this: "The
child who lives with criticism does not learn responsibility. He learns
only to condemn himself and find fault with others. He learns to doubt
his own judgment, disparage his own ability, distrust everybody. Above
all, he learns to live with continual expectation of impending doom."
End quote. Now that is no way to live. Criticism. Don't irritate your
child with criticism. Create a positive environment, an uplifting, up
building one.
9. Neglect. And then I think another way to irritate
a child is by neglect. You know what a classic illustration of that is?
Absalom. Absalom was a tragic young man, who tried to kill his own
father, David. And Absalom is a classic illustration of a son who was
neglected by a father. You can really irritate your child by
indifference, neglect. Play with your children.
10.
Over-discipline. And then, of course, and this is the last one I'll
mention, you can really irritate your child by over-discipline. This is
where your discipline is hurtful, you know, when you haul off and really
hurt them. Or it can be when you just scream at them all the time, or
holler at them or yell at them, or shut them in their rooms. Or you're
actually some people even discipline their children in a show of their
superior strength, if you can believe it. You talk about battered
children, or whatever. But the idea is that of over-disciplining
children. You can do it by yelling and screaming at them for every
single thing they do. You know, they can knock -- this happens all the
tine -- bang! Over goes the milk at the table. You stupid... Or you can
say, "Well, here we go again. Laugh about it. You can over-discipline
them. I man, he didn't do it on purpose. You can over-discipline them by
actually using your brute strength to show your superior power over
your child. I've often thought that we say things to our children we'd
never say to anybody else, don't we? Don't ever discipline them in
anger.
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